so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You made out with two different species that night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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