but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
