is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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