I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
