Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
