i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
