I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
