Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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