Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
