no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
where does the pee come out of this thing
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
