You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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