This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
