I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
