My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
