Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
