Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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