i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
