I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
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He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He has the fingertips of a God
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