Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
