If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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