if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
