How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
