So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
