Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
