just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
