My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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