everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
