Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day