shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
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Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low