I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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