Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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