i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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