I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
