Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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