I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
