I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
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How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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