Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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