somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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