I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
