There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
