Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
