I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
