ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
