im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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