im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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