3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
