he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
