My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
