i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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