I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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