Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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