first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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