You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
