tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Green mimosas i think yes
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
