I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
